The few social occasions she was lucky to attend became the excited focus for her self expression and freedom – playtime and special party clothes, pretty headbands and sparkles.
But the older she got the harder it became. Now she had to fit in so that people would like her, she couldn't be the lead character anymore. Every time she stood out and was her true self – the world around her knocked her down, ridiculed, put her back in her place.
In adulthood, the rules became stricter – time to grow up, get a job, comply with organizational demands. The requirements of each job role dictating just who she had to be, employee – wife – mother.
Until, there was nothing left of her.
No longer a lead character the world directed her every choice. Buy this, be that, don't wear this, don't look like that – be anything other than who you are.
Be a zombie, be a good girl, be who we want you to be.
The girl, now a woman, resigned herself to life. "Everyone else knows better than me", she reminded herself. This routine is important. Staying secure is important. Fitting in is important. Doing well is important.
There was no need to struggle anymore. She could relax and numb herself to life. This is the easy way. This is how it is meant to be done. The years passed, slowly, painfully, frustratingly.
Until one day, the girl, now a woman, could not handle it anymore. This isn't working out the way it was supposed to! This isn't the easy way!! The world around her started to crumble, it all fell apart. Who she thought she had become no longer mattered. It all seemed so fake, so superficial, so NOT who she really was.
And she woke up.
The woman barely knew where she was anymore. She no longer knew the character she'd become. Like an out of body experience, she got ready for work – the routines there but they didn't have her. Standing at the bus stop, she watched the other zombies with interest.
She went through her day at work, the going ons around her, like watching herself in the story – she became aware of her role in the world, aware of who she was inside of this movie.
This went on for months – still going through the motions – but aware that she was – a player in the play - a character in her own right, but no longer oblivious and at the mercy of the other players – she was completely present to life.
Awareness enveloped her body, seeped through every cell, began to change her consciousness until after years of transformation – she became the girl again.
And that next morning, she decided what character she wanted to be – with joy, with youth, with spirit, she began to play with life again – bend the pretend rules - and make up her own movie of life, completely free to choose.