It's time to push myself a lot further out of my comfort zones. Waking up everyday, I'm still anxious, tired, and low - I shouldn't be this way.
Okay, so shouldn't is a strong word, but seriously, don't I have some of the biggest dream opportunities in my life right now? Hell, in a few months time I'm gonna be promoted to the short course manager -
but I don't think I wanna be....
When is a wake up call, really a wake up call? When you're bloody prepared to do something about it. Otherwise it's just another sign that makes you freaking miserable, and another tier of the painful story you tell yourself, and everyone else.
When did I lose focus on my BSG, and how did the laser of my sights hon in on a goal that just doesn't fit the path I really want to walk down?? FUCK
Sorry, I didn't mean that as a swear word - it's an acronym: Frequently Unsure & Constantly Kicking myself up the arse... Both factors of this acronym are keeping me locked in a perpetual cycle of not following my dreams.
I'm Frequently Unsure of what I want to pursue in life - I'm scared. I choose something, then I freak out that I actually have to take big steps to achieve it, and I run around in circles of self-doubt until I spear off in a different direction. Why oh why am I here again in Uncertainty? I'm a big goddamned scardy cat.
So then I begin the next painful cycle of Constantly Kicking myself up the arse for not taking action. For putting my hand up for the wrong things. For thinking that I have it all worked out when I clearly don't know what I'm doing. For pursuing goals that are not my own but will have fake status. For not doing what I really need to be doing to actually be the person I really am. For being so goddamned stupid, naive, gutless, short-sited. Why oh why do I still not pursue the life I really want? (Meow.)
In theory - I have no fear - I'm pursuing big goals in my 'day job', but they are safe goals, ones that have a guaranteed income, ones that I know I can achieve, ones that will push me to do something new and potentially risky - but with none of the risk really being on me, and I already have the support of many others on the team to make stuff happen.
But when it comes to big goals for myself - energetically I freeze up. I don't believe in myself enough to think I can do it. The risk feels so much higher, the fear so much more overwhelming, the potential for humiliation so much more real, so I take safe baby steps, procrastinate, and let the big goals in my day job take priority over everything.
But I don't want this life anymore!
I have to stop listening to the voices in my head that tell me that I don't have what it takes to succeed in the industry I really want to pursue. I have to stop looking for evidence that this is true. I have to start blocking out all the outside influences that will only prove that I suck, and focus in on my art, and become the eccentric creative I am on the inside.
This is the life I want. To be completely absorbed in my creative world, and not have to be the serious academic, the sales person, the status-job. I'm authentically the eccentric, the creative mind, the gypsy.
If it's so easy for me to do my day job, and continue to achieve success there, then can't I do it without all the energy input??
Can't I reserve this energy for me to be myself as soon as I walk out of the front door to the office, as soon as I'm down on the ground floor walking out of the elevator, as soon as my feet hit the outside world, and the sun beams hit my face - this is when I can transform into who I am - this is when I can choose to be ME.
It doesn't matter what other people think of me. My tortured mind is evidence that all that matters is what I think of myself.